Forgive the woman who killed my father.

Yes, you read the title right and that is what I want to talk about today.  This has been a topic and thought that has weighing quite heavily on my mind as of late and I need to do something about it.  Well, the title may be a little misleading - I have already forgiven the woman.  In my heart of hearts I have truly forgave her.  I could sit down with her and share a meal.  It is how I feel.  There is more to ponder here however and that is why I am here.  But first, a little background...

2 1/2 years ago my father was killed.  He was on a motorcycle when he died, but his bike was not the cause.  A 28 year old woman was.  I am not going to post her name here as I am not trying to bring her harm in any way.  I only wish to tell my story and seek some guidance.  If not from you, often times I feel a knowing sense of what to do after writing out my tales.  My dad was on his way to the mall when his side was struck by a rolling vehicle.  His bike exploded which caused him to fly over the guardrail of the overpass he was on.  60 feet over, 30 feet down.  It was 45 minutes before anyone could reach him.  It didn't matter though.  He was already gone.  What happened?  What went wrong?  Well, that is somewhat of a mystery.  Here is what I do know as a fact.  It is a fact that this accident was caught on tape in it's entirety.  It is a fact that my father's death was played over and over on national news.  It is a fact my dad's girlfriend was riding in her car behind him at the time of the accident and had to witness the entire thing.  It is a fact that one woman is responsible for his premature death and a lot of pain.  The following is not fact.  It is true from court testimony, but I will not claim it to be fact.  This woman was fighting with her husband all day.  The fight continued on into the afternoon and in the car while driving.  The husband did something (this is where it gets murky.  Many different versions were relayed by both husband and wife).  It was said that he reached for the wheel, it was said that he grabbed at her, it was said that he merely reached for the radio.  Whatever the action was, this woman yanked the wheel.  Upon doing so she hit a SUV.  This scared her and she over compensated by turning the wheel in the opposite direction.  The car began to roll.  I have already told you the rest.

My father was 54 when he died.  It is funny because I always underestimate the age of my mother now.  They were divorced for many years before his death, but still I remembered their ages in relation to each other.  My dad was 3 years older.  My mom is getting older, but I always mistake that she is 51.  He never gets any older.  He was too young to go.  I miss him.  My daughter misses him.  My son doesn't really remember him.  That makes me sad.

The woman who hit him was charged with homicide.  A hefty charge, but apparently the state of Wisconsin does not have manslaughter.  The case dragged on and on for a long time.  The trial was finally held last May.  She was let off.  There are a lot of details that I could go into here, but I do not see the point at the moment.  There was a lot of anger.  A lot of hurt.

There came a moment where I had to stop being angry.  It was doing me no good.  This woman could not feel my pain and hate.  The only person it was effecting was me.  I had to let it go.  I had to move on and forgive.  And so I did.  It was a slow process.  I worked on it and then one day I woke up and realized that I do not hate her.  I realized that I want good things for her and her children.  I wish her peace.  This is where I stumbled on to my current problem.

There are many mistakes in my past in which I am still working on forgiving myself for.  I am not the perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect friend.  I have done things that haunt me at times.  I have never killed anyone.  How does doing something like that effect your day to day life?  How do you go to work each day?  How do you pursue your dreams?  Is there any sleep with that fogging your mind?  I am glad that I do not know.

I have thought, on more than one occasion about the possibility of sending this woman a letter.  This woman saw my family and I in court.  She saw our pain first hand.  If there is any good in her being, she must have felt something.  I would assume that she believes us to hate her.  She would have been right at the time.  She may still be right in regards to other members of my family.  She is no longer right about me. If I were to tell her that, would it improve her life?  Would my forgiveness lessen her burden?  I don't know.  Am I contemplating this option for altruistic reasons?  I think so, but again, I am unsure.

I need help in deciding what to do.  A client of mine told me about a woman in my area who claims to be a 'real deal' medium.  I am trying to get a reading done with her to find out what my dad might think about this entire thing - seeing he is the one person who would have an answer and the only I am unable to ask.  I have had some intense experiences with him visiting my dreams and I am probably more open to the possibility of finding what I seek through this kind of help.  The medium has proven to be quite difficult to get in touch with however.  Maybe, since I am asking, the answer may come from one of you.  Any idea?

Stats:
Daily Points - 21*
Extra - 3
Bonus - 3

Days left to go: 354

*Today I volunteered in my son's classroom for a couple of hours.  I also attended a beauty pageant orientation for my daughter but that's a whole other post.  I cannot think too much about it as it makes me want to die.

busy, busy.

Sorry for this shortie post in advance...  Too much to do this week to properly sit down and write about all the awesomeness.  I am still on top of my good deeds however.  I have managed to do at least one thing every day and most days I do many.  A lot are too small to even mention on this blog, but they still get done.  Here is a quick list of the few things I have done since my last post:

Saturday - Did a fellow stylist's hair without expecting anything in return.  Stayed a few hours later than I needed to so I could do it for her.

Sunday - Bought 20 or so new books for the kid's school library.  We are taking them in tomorrow.  The kids are stoked.  We also got a gift certificate for my son's teacher to buy some books for their classroom.
*Bonus - Marnie made 2 pairs of earrings for a couple of her classmates.  She wrapped them and anonymously left them in their lockers for them to discover.  She reported that it was really fun for her and she wants to do more.

Today - Gave a man holding a sign outside a shopping center $20.  The sign said his daughter was admitted to the hospital with a heart condition.  He looked very sad and was shaking from the cold.  My husband is trying to fight the belief that all of these people who stand out and ask for money are full of it.  Maybe.  We lived in Chicago years ago and it made him jaded in this area.  You would see someone beg for money and then round the corner and climb into a Cadillac.  It was disheartening.  I have come to an understanding however that it simply doesn't matter.  Does it make the gift any less important?  The giving is always the same no matter who is on the receiving end.  My heart remains the same.

I hope to find some time to sit and write to you in further depth later on this week.  I have a few things that have been on my mind and in my heart and I want to begin to share them.  Maybe get some opinions...

Stats:
Daily Points - 20
Extra - 3
Bonus - 3

Days left to go: 355

Christmas came and all I got was working at this crummy job.

Merry Christmas!  I absolutely need to do some research on things I can do for people that A) Don't cost a bizillion dollars and B) Can be done without a ton of planning for days like today.  Options were limited today but I didn't want to be lame and claim the giving of presents was my give.  I truly procrastinated and did not have anything pre thought out to do.  I could have easily blown it.  On day 5 too.  That would have been an epic fail.  I made it though.  On the way to family's for dinner, Troy commented how much it sucked to work at the movie store since they were actually open on Christmas day.  That is insane.  I do not want to even support that company since they obviously value a dollar more that the people they have working for them.  On the return trip, we stopped at the only other place open today - Speedway - and (after buying 2 Mega Lottery tickets) bout a package of oatmeal raisin cookies.  Marnie and I then ran into the video store and told the poor fellow behind the counter how sorry we were that he had to be working and that we brought him some cookies.  He looked a bit shocked but responded with thanks and a Merry Christmas.  We then ran out the door.

I have two really big ones to do this week coming up.  I am pretty excited about one of them in particular.  I am really enjoying the process of thinking about giving so frequently.  If nothing else, that is time not thinking about myself, yes?  The kids are already catching on and have agreed to begin giving away 10% of any money they earn.  They have money coming in on a regular basis, so I think this is fair.  Both Troy and I have our own businesses and each kid 'owns' 2% of each.  We work together as a family, so we feel it is fair that they earn as well.  Troy and I have made the decision for the first time in our lives that it is time  for us to tithe 10% of our income on a weekly basis.  My project is above and beyond that amount, but I like to think of it as backpay.  We do not attend church on a very regular basis, and I am not sure if we ever will, but I do think we owe 10% to someone and the church is a good place for it to go.  I just need to convince them to put a donate button on their webpage so I do not need to check in every Sunday.  Anyhoo, the kids are tossing many ideas around about what they want to do with the percentage they have from all of their Christmas cash.  They kind of banked this year, so they each have about $15 to spend on acts.  Some interesting ideas have been popping up and I cannot wait to see what the final decision is.

Troy is jumping on board a little bit too.  He is the headliner in one of the big ones coming up.  He is very nervous but trusting that this will be good for us.  He deserves his own post however, so I will leave it at that for now.

Stats:
Daily Points - 5
Extra - 1
Bonus - 0

lame town halloween.

Last night, Sunday night that is - a full 5 days prior to Halloween - we took our kids trick-or-treating. Odd? Yes, I concur. I have been racking my brain for the last two weeks trying to figure out why Lame Town set it up this way. I cannot figure it out. Halloween this year falls on a Friday... and there is no school the next day... It's over my head.

Anyhoo, we went trick-or-treating to a whole 5 houses before returning home. It was freezing outside and I think my poor son was about to die. Troy and I each took a kid to ready up for the outing - Marnie fell to me because she decided last minute to be a lion - the same exact costume she wore last year. Blech. She insisted this year WAS different because this year she was going to be a girl lion. No matter that the costume has a sewn in mane. Semantics Mom. A girl lion is apparently differentiated by the makeup on her face, hence Marnie being my responsibility. If left to Troy, she would have been a tranny lion - actually that may have been more appropriate given the mane, but I digress. Troy in turn took Ethan who chose to be an alligator. Given that Troy will be 30 next week, has been a father for almost five years and has been with my anal ass for 8 - I have come to trust him to do small tasks. Perhaps a mistake on my part. I finish dressing my gender confused lion, see that Ethan is Alligator looking, snap a few photos and we are out the door. Two blocks in, Ethan starts noticeably shaking. I mention that we should probably head back home since it is so cold out. Yes, Troy agrees. After all Ethan only has a diaper on beneath his costume. Stop. Blink. Blink. No winter coat? A sweater? A pair of pants? It was 56 degrees when taking pictures on our stoop. Troy defends himself by informing me that he and his brother never had to wear anything under their costumes on Halloween growing up. I remind him that he grew up in southern Mississippi and that he now lives in the midwest and has done so for 10 years. Nothing. Blank stare.





Troy was not the disturbing part of my fake-Halloween Halloween though. The really odd part came after we returned and set ourselves up to hand out candy to all the little treat seeking kiddos that would pass our house. At least that is what I bought the candy for. In reality, I think we had an entire 4 children in costume come to our door. I did however have 5 different mothers, at different times throughout the evening - pushing infants in strollers, without any other children in sight, appear with bags asking for candy. These babies were in no way old enough to eat mashed peas - candy would kill them. It was really bizarre. If it was just one, I would shrug it off and toss it in the annoying Halloween category - you know, the one where kids without costumes and the ones sporting boobs and mustaches go, but five? That's a bit more than strange. Most of them also went into these 'cutesy' little voices as if speaking for the baby. I'd have rather they just flashed a gun and demand all my candy. That would have spooked me less.

tornado.

Our town was hit by a tornado. Branches flew everywhere and apples from our tree were chucked at the house. The lake grew waves to heights of 3 feet - which are huge seeing as the 'lake' is merely a fishing hole that can easily be swam across. The kids and I spent the better half of an afternoon hiding out in our stanky basement. Our house made it through unscathed, but the storm put in motion a series of events that can only be described as, well, not cool.

The power went out. This happens a lot out here. This was probably the sixth time it has been out this year. No electricity is bad enough, but our water pump is also run on power which means we also had no water. AND did you know that you need water to flush a toilet? Four people in a house with no lights, water or bathroom facilities make for a non appealing time. At least it happened at night when the kids were already in bed. Too bad it was still out when they got up the next morning and had to pee.

Due to the storm, a bird flew into the garage. We tried to shoo him out but unfortunately we left the door to the house open and the bird decided that our kitchen would be more fun to escape to.



As Troy was chasing the bird around the inside of our house, I decided that it would be smart to charge my laptop and cell in my car so that we could at least listen to music, check our email and let the kids watch a movie. My phone slipped from my hand on the way as I ducked flying fowl and the face smashed into a hundred pieces. Did I mention that my cell is an iphone? I am still not recovered from the heated argument that followed with the Apple rep who nastily told me that they were not going to cover the damage by warranty and that it would cost me $250 to replace a six inch piece of glass.

Meanwhile, Troy was able to grab the bird and release it outside. I guess the bird wasn't happy with that and quickly flew back into the garage. As soon as I ceased pounding my fists and feet against the floor and wailing over my phone like the toddler I truly am, I went out to finish plugging in the laptop to the car. As I stepped out, WOOSH, the bird flew over my house and back into the house.



Still no power.

I dressed the kids and threw them into the car. Being anywhere other than home was my deepest desire. Troy went to work catching the bird. Again. And once again he released it, but not without another escape into the garage. Eff it. We went out for breakfast.



The day did get a little better from there. My Dad came for a visit and took my mind off of not being able to poop in peace. We dinked around town trying to take up hours. Eventually the electricity returned a full 24 hours after it went out.

Today is much nicer indeed. I tried out another brownie recipe for the bakery and am pretty sure that it's 'the one'. I still need to tweak a few minor details, but it was definitely delish. I am going to try another batch tonight and see what Troy thinks. While they baked, I organized my craft hutch and made a little fun hair bow holder for Marnie's room. I now have the table space to properly set up my new embroidery machine and learn the ropes. Maybe I will get to that tonight.





Maybe not though because I have started to learn yet another craft and I might be too engrossed with that. I am so easily swayed by new projects. I do not posses the power to say no....

Marnie was bit by the art bug today also. She took it out on my wall. Although less than enthusiastic with her choice of canvas, I do have to say this is some of her best work.

much to do about much.

Thursday evening, my Mom drove in from the city to pick up the kids. Troy and I enjoyed the evening together and had a movie marathon. It was fun, but we had planned on really celebrating our anniversary on Friday. I wish I had remembered to take a picture of the amazing breakfast that Troy cooked in celebration of us... He made the most beautiful gluten-free crepes stuffed with fresh strawberries and topped with whipped cream. yum. We then took off to look for goodies.

Every year, Troy and I buy an antique for our anniversary. We LOVE antiques, but even more than possessing them, we love to shop for them. Since moving here, we had not yet checked out any of the local shops, so we hit them all up on Friday. We don't usually have anything in mind. At least not collectively. I had thought a picnic suitcase with all the bits would be lovely. I'm not sure if Troy had any ideas beforehand - he definitely was not in sync with mine. Usually as we browse, we will stumble upon some item that is obviously for us. That day was no exception. We found this gorgeous chick hatchery from 1910. Awesome. The condition is amazing and it stands on legs, so it can be used as a table. We just fell for it as soon as we set eyes on it. Unfortunately for us, it was priced a bit out of range of the budget we had set, but we have decided to continue to set some cash aside each week until we can call it ours. You know, in the name of us. Uh, love it. I wish I had taken a photo to pine over.

After much shopping and a little buying, we came home and Troy once again returned to the kitchen. What a dinner.


Steamed lobster claws, bacon wrapped Cajun sea scallops, grilled king crab in tarragon butter, and gluten-free fried oysters. Freaking delicious. He continues to boggle the mind.

Saturday was Marnie's big 3. I missed my babies so much. It is so silly how much your heart can ache after kiddos when they have only been gone a couple of days. It was a lovely reunion though and Marnie was pretty excited about the many packages we brought with us. Per usual, her fave by far was the birthday ball. The main theme was a barbie pretend makeup set - in the middle hid a (sort of) working hair dryer.


Since we are throwing the kids a giant party, I went the route of an individual cake for the actual day. I had wanted to get her a heavily frosted cupcake, but when the only bakery in town is inside a Walmart, you have to lower your expectations. I found a little cake and then added an immense amount of pink frosting and sugar stars. She dug.


The kids and I headed to Kalamazoo on Sunday for a cousin's graduation party/pig roast. Yup. It was fine and all. People went a bit crazy with the hooch, but at least it was entertaining. Yesterday morning though, Ethan awoke with a 104 temp. He was difficult to rouse and simply not himself. We got him home quickly and made many efforts to bring down his temp. We were in constant contact with his doctor and were ready to head out to the hospital in a second if the situation became worse. It was so scary to see him that way. Finally his fever broke in late afternoon and he returned to his crazy self by evening time. Ethan is such a sweet thang. He managed to smile through most of the day... even as he sat in a bath with ice.Yesterday, in addition to a sick kid, we also had a trapped bird in our fireplace. Troy had sworn he had been hearing a ghost in the house for a couple of days. Well, no. It was just a bird. What gave it away? Maybe it was the BIRD knocking his beak against the glass of the fireplace. I swear I don't know what he would do if he lived alone. Anyway, Troy was able to get at it after a few hours of trying. It was fine. *



And then in another lovely dinner from the boy. My favorite in fact. I think the rice needs some tweaking and I could do without the k.r.a.b., but overall it was good and so nice of him to try.
He said that this was for me, but it was really for him... Gluten-free chocolate cake. I'll admit it was pretty good.
Today we are back to normal. No more birthdays or holidays. Well, that is until Ethan turns one next week. And did I mention that the mother-in-law is arriving in a few days? Yup. We have a christening party to attend in a couple of days also and I have yet to make a gift or even search for ideas. Oh, and the ladies' wedding in which the gift is far from complete. And those birthday banners that need to be made before the party... I'm screwed.


* Don't mind the crying man in the photo - for he is not actually crying, merely deathly allergic to grass spores. Spring is trying to off him.

craziness

These past couple of weeks have been insane. Actually, this time of year is always insane in our family. Four years ago today, my handsome husband and I were married (Happy Anniversary honey!!!) and then three months later we were pregnant. Purposely pregnant, but maybe not planned so perfectly. Marnie was due to be born the day after our one year anniversary - she was instead born 2 days later on the 26th. Once Marnie turned a year old, Troy and I decided we were ready to have another baby. We wanted our kids to be very close to two years apart plus a couple of months so that their birthdays would be a bit apart. We were spot on this time and Ethan was due to arrive July 9th. We would have a couple of weeks between Marnie's day and Father's Day and then yet another couple of weeks until the Fourth of July and E's day. He had other plans though and make it into this world six weeks ahead of schedule. So, now all five events are scrunched in together. We do the best we can. Usually this time of year goes something like we forgo Mother's Day activities and Troy and I are lucky if we are able to go to dinner on our anniversary...we try to make the birthdays special but simple... and then somehow Troy ends up with some crazy kind of expensive Father's Day gift. I'm not sure how this happened. Last year: Mother's Day = nada. Father's Day = a great big gas grill. Hmpf.

This year however, it is going down a bit differently. Sort of. We are once again not really 'doing' too much for our anniversary. We are shipping the kids off to Chicago this afternoon and spending a whole day and a half by ourselves. Did you catch that? a.l.o.n.e. I am so freaking excited to sleep in tomorrow that I cannot even put it into actual words. It just keeps coming out ploopengotten smattenhoop. Nope, this year we have chosen to forsake our selfish Mom and Pop holidays for a huge kiddie bash. We are doing it up toddler style. In a mere two weeks, our house will be filled with loved ones celebrating our children's lives. I am pretty stoked about this event. Right now however, I am selling off all my worldly possessions on ebay in order to pay for it. Okay, so not all of them. Maybe in fact it is just a bunch of crap. Crap for sale.

Updates on all things Marnie & Ethan Birthday 2007 to come...

Mother's Day goodiness

What a nice success! Last night my mom and step-dad came for the evening before continuing on to the house up north in Traverse City. Since they will be there all weekend and will therefore not be in the vicinity for Mother's Day - we made my mom dinner and gave her a gift last night to show her how awesome she is. It went pretty well if I do say so. Here was our menu:

Fontina cheese served with sesame and seaweed crackers
Steak, shrimp & scallop kabobs
Red, orange & yellow peppers, mushroom and vadallia onion kabobs
Twice baked potatoes with green onions
Vino

Yummy.

I wish I had thought to take pictures of the meal. It was really beautiful with all the colored peppers. I had planned to, but alas...

As for the gift - I always have such a hard time picking out gifts for my parents. They have everything that they need and if they don't, they go out and buy it. My mom does not really collect anything and despises knick knacks and anything that doesn't have a real purpose. That is one of the main reasons I prefer to make gifts instead of buy them - usually what I make is practical and if it's not, you feel to guilty to throw it out or not use it because someone spent so much making it for you. Anyhow, this year I did not have the time to make something - I just had too many other projects going on. I decided to to go the charity route via this bag.
Not only is the bag awesome, but it also feeds a child for an entire school year. How can you go wrong? I am going to get one for myself also and so should you!


World Food Programme Feed Bag