lame town halloween.

Last night, Sunday night that is - a full 5 days prior to Halloween - we took our kids trick-or-treating. Odd? Yes, I concur. I have been racking my brain for the last two weeks trying to figure out why Lame Town set it up this way. I cannot figure it out. Halloween this year falls on a Friday... and there is no school the next day... It's over my head.

Anyhoo, we went trick-or-treating to a whole 5 houses before returning home. It was freezing outside and I think my poor son was about to die. Troy and I each took a kid to ready up for the outing - Marnie fell to me because she decided last minute to be a lion - the same exact costume she wore last year. Blech. She insisted this year WAS different because this year she was going to be a girl lion. No matter that the costume has a sewn in mane. Semantics Mom. A girl lion is apparently differentiated by the makeup on her face, hence Marnie being my responsibility. If left to Troy, she would have been a tranny lion - actually that may have been more appropriate given the mane, but I digress. Troy in turn took Ethan who chose to be an alligator. Given that Troy will be 30 next week, has been a father for almost five years and has been with my anal ass for 8 - I have come to trust him to do small tasks. Perhaps a mistake on my part. I finish dressing my gender confused lion, see that Ethan is Alligator looking, snap a few photos and we are out the door. Two blocks in, Ethan starts noticeably shaking. I mention that we should probably head back home since it is so cold out. Yes, Troy agrees. After all Ethan only has a diaper on beneath his costume. Stop. Blink. Blink. No winter coat? A sweater? A pair of pants? It was 56 degrees when taking pictures on our stoop. Troy defends himself by informing me that he and his brother never had to wear anything under their costumes on Halloween growing up. I remind him that he grew up in southern Mississippi and that he now lives in the midwest and has done so for 10 years. Nothing. Blank stare.





Troy was not the disturbing part of my fake-Halloween Halloween though. The really odd part came after we returned and set ourselves up to hand out candy to all the little treat seeking kiddos that would pass our house. At least that is what I bought the candy for. In reality, I think we had an entire 4 children in costume come to our door. I did however have 5 different mothers, at different times throughout the evening - pushing infants in strollers, without any other children in sight, appear with bags asking for candy. These babies were in no way old enough to eat mashed peas - candy would kill them. It was really bizarre. If it was just one, I would shrug it off and toss it in the annoying Halloween category - you know, the one where kids without costumes and the ones sporting boobs and mustaches go, but five? That's a bit more than strange. Most of them also went into these 'cutesy' little voices as if speaking for the baby. I'd have rather they just flashed a gun and demand all my candy. That would have spooked me less.

dognabit.

I don't think we can handle this dog anymore. It is pretty heartbreaking since she really is lovable and the kids are quite attached to her 50 % of the time - you know, when she's not peeing on their freshly made beds and amputating the legs off the Dora the Explorer family. No one will let us bring her to obedience class due to her inability to not pee all over the floor every 10 minutes. I hope that we can find her a nice big farm to go live on - she should live in a barn or something. We will miss her, but here's what I'm not going to miss:

- Washing the 7 towels each and every day that are needed to sop up her urine puddles on the floor.

- Wondering where the hell all the (fill in the blank) went? Last night she ate 3 entire sticks of butter that were sitting on the counter AND the box they were in.

-The constant flipping of the kid's mattresses because she has deemed them potty stops.

- Searching for my children in the morning to get them ready for school when we are all ready late - she is exceptionally hyper in the early hours of the day and the kiddos hide to avoid her.

- Lifting the 4 gallon water tank she speeds through each day.

- The poop. Why not outside? Why?? She has kidney problems, not bowel and is let out every 20 minutes.

- People not coming over because they fear she will eat them. It's valid really.

- Having to use only plastic dishes. She has broken all 12 of our place settings with the exception of two bowls and 3 salad plates. She pulls them off counters and tables hoping food may be on them.

- Having to replace what once was perfectly good carpet because of all the 'Mokie spots".



There are even more things that we will all miss about her. She is truly a great dog with a funny personality. She is constantly running into walls and falling off of couches. The giggles never cease. She's a 75 pound bundle of entertainment. Over the short time we have had her, I now understand why people love their dogs so much. We have tried everything in order to keep this dog. For two months, while having all the tests done on her, we put her in depends. This sort of worked and sort of did not. We had less accidents in the house, but she would occasionally poop in them too. When Troy would take her outside to hose her off, the house a few doors down containing a dozen or so highly shady hispanic men and constant traffic would start singing a song they made up which began "Diaper dog, diaper dog, gotta hose off that shit log..." Eventually Troy no longer wanted to leave the house, so we abandoned the practice and took to doing extra laundry.

oh, by the way...

Jenny Owens Young sucks ass.... hard. Please disregard previous post in which praise was put forth. I had the unfortunate opportunity to sit and suffer through a Milwaukee performance in which she compared said town to a birthing placenta. What the eff? Exactly.

vintage re visited.

This girl is ready to come back. A year or so has gone by and my life is a bit different - but a lot is just the same. Here's a bitty update to getcha' up to speed:

House- so, we moved from the Clear Lake house and our rented homestead to become first time home buyers. In my weak defense, buying a home can be a bit daunting. There are so many things you have to keep track of and even more you need to look for. If I had to choose one mistake that we made in the home buying process, it would have to be the abandoning of all our ambitions and ideals. I've got to tell you that that is probably not something a person should overlook. Oops. We do not have a homestead - actually we cannot even call it a yard. No pity party here, I'm just saying. We do have a nice big 'ol house that needs a lot of work and there does not seem to be light at the end of the... oh shit, there is no tunnel.

Kids- They're still here.

Dog- Oh yes, there is now a dog. A very big dog. Mokie is what we yell when we are wishing her to ignore us. She is a lovely eight month old Saint Bernard. She weighs a crap ton and likes to destroy things (Troy would say his soul). She also has kidney disease which makes her drink 4 gallons of water a day, which makes her do the obvious A LOT, which makes the irony that we lived on 40 acres with no dog and now live in a house sans yard a tad bit more annoying rather than haha.

Pursuit of happiness- It goes well. We have continued to live like penniless paupers and create our own fun from scratch. This has more to do with us actually being penniless paupers and less to do with me being trendy. I have to say that it is kind of fun to be back in this place of forced creativity. When I think back to the years where Troy and I, newly married, could barely afford rent on our 250 sq. foot apartment, slept on a mattress on the floor and window shopped for entertainment - I miss it. I miss it in a don't REALLY want to go back there kind of way, but nostalgia nonetheless. Back then we lived on less because we had to and now we face the same reality. Not for the same reasons this time around, but the result is the same. We moved to this lame ass bodunk little town a few miles from Troy's job. In the dead of winter, underneath a blanket of snow, it looked charming. The Christmas lights, the historic downtown - it was all very romantic to my old soul. Unfortunately the snow melted and I now find myself in a sea of un cared for, could be beautiful homes and a dying economy. There is nothing doing well here. Sadly the school system has followed the trend also. This happens to be bad for me. After two weeks of (FREE!) public school, I could take no more. Marnie would come home with pictures of shapes that she had traced and print outs reminding her that apples are round. This after an entire summer of learning how to read and other educational pursuits. There was no where to increase her skills the teachers told me. The program was not set up that way. Students are taught at one pace regardless of their level. We pulled her out and entered the charter system. A charter school, for those who do not know, is a school, funded by the public school system, but teaches using a non traditional method. We chose a Montessori based school due to the way we feel children learn best. Since it is part of the school system, it is free. That is EXCEPT for the preschool, that is still considered private and cost almost as much as my house payment. There is an end to this however - next year Marnie will be in kindergarten and she will be able to attend free of charge, but for the next 7 months, we have to suffer without 25% of our take home pay. Doable, but not really ideal. But then I had an idea - always dangerous - that since we have to bare bones it for seven months, why not really cut back, suffer through and be better off in the end? Why not go back to school myself? Sounds like a good idea to me, so I am. Beauty school that is. I start Tuesday.