Forgive the woman who killed my father.

Yes, you read the title right and that is what I want to talk about today.  This has been a topic and thought that has weighing quite heavily on my mind as of late and I need to do something about it.  Well, the title may be a little misleading - I have already forgiven the woman.  In my heart of hearts I have truly forgave her.  I could sit down with her and share a meal.  It is how I feel.  There is more to ponder here however and that is why I am here.  But first, a little background...

2 1/2 years ago my father was killed.  He was on a motorcycle when he died, but his bike was not the cause.  A 28 year old woman was.  I am not going to post her name here as I am not trying to bring her harm in any way.  I only wish to tell my story and seek some guidance.  If not from you, often times I feel a knowing sense of what to do after writing out my tales.  My dad was on his way to the mall when his side was struck by a rolling vehicle.  His bike exploded which caused him to fly over the guardrail of the overpass he was on.  60 feet over, 30 feet down.  It was 45 minutes before anyone could reach him.  It didn't matter though.  He was already gone.  What happened?  What went wrong?  Well, that is somewhat of a mystery.  Here is what I do know as a fact.  It is a fact that this accident was caught on tape in it's entirety.  It is a fact that my father's death was played over and over on national news.  It is a fact my dad's girlfriend was riding in her car behind him at the time of the accident and had to witness the entire thing.  It is a fact that one woman is responsible for his premature death and a lot of pain.  The following is not fact.  It is true from court testimony, but I will not claim it to be fact.  This woman was fighting with her husband all day.  The fight continued on into the afternoon and in the car while driving.  The husband did something (this is where it gets murky.  Many different versions were relayed by both husband and wife).  It was said that he reached for the wheel, it was said that he grabbed at her, it was said that he merely reached for the radio.  Whatever the action was, this woman yanked the wheel.  Upon doing so she hit a SUV.  This scared her and she over compensated by turning the wheel in the opposite direction.  The car began to roll.  I have already told you the rest.

My father was 54 when he died.  It is funny because I always underestimate the age of my mother now.  They were divorced for many years before his death, but still I remembered their ages in relation to each other.  My dad was 3 years older.  My mom is getting older, but I always mistake that she is 51.  He never gets any older.  He was too young to go.  I miss him.  My daughter misses him.  My son doesn't really remember him.  That makes me sad.

The woman who hit him was charged with homicide.  A hefty charge, but apparently the state of Wisconsin does not have manslaughter.  The case dragged on and on for a long time.  The trial was finally held last May.  She was let off.  There are a lot of details that I could go into here, but I do not see the point at the moment.  There was a lot of anger.  A lot of hurt.

There came a moment where I had to stop being angry.  It was doing me no good.  This woman could not feel my pain and hate.  The only person it was effecting was me.  I had to let it go.  I had to move on and forgive.  And so I did.  It was a slow process.  I worked on it and then one day I woke up and realized that I do not hate her.  I realized that I want good things for her and her children.  I wish her peace.  This is where I stumbled on to my current problem.

There are many mistakes in my past in which I am still working on forgiving myself for.  I am not the perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect friend.  I have done things that haunt me at times.  I have never killed anyone.  How does doing something like that effect your day to day life?  How do you go to work each day?  How do you pursue your dreams?  Is there any sleep with that fogging your mind?  I am glad that I do not know.

I have thought, on more than one occasion about the possibility of sending this woman a letter.  This woman saw my family and I in court.  She saw our pain first hand.  If there is any good in her being, she must have felt something.  I would assume that she believes us to hate her.  She would have been right at the time.  She may still be right in regards to other members of my family.  She is no longer right about me. If I were to tell her that, would it improve her life?  Would my forgiveness lessen her burden?  I don't know.  Am I contemplating this option for altruistic reasons?  I think so, but again, I am unsure.

I need help in deciding what to do.  A client of mine told me about a woman in my area who claims to be a 'real deal' medium.  I am trying to get a reading done with her to find out what my dad might think about this entire thing - seeing he is the one person who would have an answer and the only I am unable to ask.  I have had some intense experiences with him visiting my dreams and I am probably more open to the possibility of finding what I seek through this kind of help.  The medium has proven to be quite difficult to get in touch with however.  Maybe, since I am asking, the answer may come from one of you.  Any idea?

Stats:
Daily Points - 21*
Extra - 3
Bonus - 3

Days left to go: 354

*Today I volunteered in my son's classroom for a couple of hours.  I also attended a beauty pageant orientation for my daughter but that's a whole other post.  I cannot think too much about it as it makes me want to die.

busy, busy.

Sorry for this shortie post in advance...  Too much to do this week to properly sit down and write about all the awesomeness.  I am still on top of my good deeds however.  I have managed to do at least one thing every day and most days I do many.  A lot are too small to even mention on this blog, but they still get done.  Here is a quick list of the few things I have done since my last post:

Saturday - Did a fellow stylist's hair without expecting anything in return.  Stayed a few hours later than I needed to so I could do it for her.

Sunday - Bought 20 or so new books for the kid's school library.  We are taking them in tomorrow.  The kids are stoked.  We also got a gift certificate for my son's teacher to buy some books for their classroom.
*Bonus - Marnie made 2 pairs of earrings for a couple of her classmates.  She wrapped them and anonymously left them in their lockers for them to discover.  She reported that it was really fun for her and she wants to do more.

Today - Gave a man holding a sign outside a shopping center $20.  The sign said his daughter was admitted to the hospital with a heart condition.  He looked very sad and was shaking from the cold.  My husband is trying to fight the belief that all of these people who stand out and ask for money are full of it.  Maybe.  We lived in Chicago years ago and it made him jaded in this area.  You would see someone beg for money and then round the corner and climb into a Cadillac.  It was disheartening.  I have come to an understanding however that it simply doesn't matter.  Does it make the gift any less important?  The giving is always the same no matter who is on the receiving end.  My heart remains the same.

I hope to find some time to sit and write to you in further depth later on this week.  I have a few things that have been on my mind and in my heart and I want to begin to share them.  Maybe get some opinions...

Stats:
Daily Points - 20
Extra - 3
Bonus - 3

Days left to go: 355

calm

I feel a sense of calm that I have never felt before.  Perhaps calm is an improper word.  Peace is better.  I cannot properly explain it.  It is not a relaxed feeling - for I am fully alert with heightened senses.  I just have this inner knowing that everything is going to be okay.  Better than okay.  It is strange to me that I feel this way since my day began in a hospital.

Well, not began, but I was there soon enough.  This morning my mom had her hip replaced.  She is 54.

I had been planning to head to the hospital at some point today all week long.  The thought of my mom needing to be there for any reason put a pit in my stomach.  I had been pushing it from my mind, but all of a sudden, *poof* it was here.  She found out yesterday that the operation would begin at 9:30.  I put the kids on the bus at 8:30 and the hospital is a good distance away, so I told my beautiful mother that I would see her as soon as she woke up.

This morning, as I do every morning, I woke up at 6 and had coffee with my husband.  We shared a meeting of the minds and enjoyed our french pressed brew.  At seven I began the kid's breakfast of fried potatoes and eggs sunny side up.  I woke my babies @ 7:30 and began to curl my hair and apply makeup.  I got dressed and made lunches.  Upon further review, I decided to drive the kids into school instead of riding the bus - today was the day they were planning on delivering the books to the kids in class.  Off we went.  I walked them inside.  I had nice leisurely chats with both of my children's teachers.  I loved on my kids.  I began my journey across town.  I talked to myself.  I prayed for good health.  I thought positive thoughts.  I stopped at the local grocery store.  Today my mom deserves kindness.  I walked the isles with her in mind and chose her gifts wisely, deliberately.  I chose the biggest bouquet I could find.  I finished the last leg of my journey.  I parked in the furthest spot from the hospital.  It is a relatively warm day for January and I could use the exercise.  I smiled at every person who passed me.  I said good morning.  I found the surgical waiting room, a table with chairs and sat down.  A friendly lady waved me over.  I gave her my info and she then gave me a gift...  she rushed me back to see my mom.  She was still waiting in pre-op and I was on a list.  This was unexpected.  I did not even know this was an option.  I kissed my mom.  I looked her in the eyes and told her I loved her.  It was a blessing and I am grateful for that moment.

After she was taken in, my step-father and I spent a good three hours together in the waiting room.  I can not remember a time in which we have ever spent that much time together one on one.  It was good.  I am happy we were there for each other and able to occupy the time.  I thought good thoughts.  I believed the surgery would go well.  I knew she would be fine.  And she was.

She is resting now.  Soon she will be standing on her new hip.  I am told she will feel tall.  I hope she will feel strong.  Soon she will walk and I cannot wait to see her dance.  She used to love to dance (however dorkily) before all the pain came.  I wish her no pain.  Today is for her.  I am thankful for her.

As for the gives I participated in earlier this week, I did another loan to Kiva on both Tuesday and Wednesday.  I just love the idea of that organization.  I wish it had a bigger presence in the States.  The banks may not believe in our people, but I do.  And bet there are others who do too.  The third loan we made was to an American.  There were only a total of four to choose from.  I hope that section grows with time.

Yesterday I contemplated my body.  In less than a year I have lost about 65 - 70 pounds without much effort.  I can someday go into this more specifically if there is any interest, but for now that statement can stand alone.  From the start I had the notion to rid myself of clothing that was far too big for my shrinking frame.  I would donate a piece here or there but still hold on to anything remotely okay looking.  Who wants to buy new clothes all of the time when you know that you are not even going to be able to fit in them in a couple of months?  However, during my body contemplation I had a realization.  If I had even one item of clothing that was made for someone bigger than I, I was allowing the possibility that I may someday be that size again.  If the clothing does not exist, failure is no longer an option.  Only success and the tinier clothes that hang in my closet.  This was a new thought and I quickly rummaged through my stash.  While I was at it, I may as well give away any shoes that I am entirely not in love with or that do not fit or feel right.  I am done with the idea that a sale makes a good outfit.  I will no longer pay attention to such things.  I want to wear what I love and feel loved by what I wear.  Period.  I found many, many things that were ready for a new home.  Items that fit me yesterday but not today? Gone.  It is the new rule in my life.  No more waiting.  If it is too big one day, it will be too big everyday in my future.  I hauled my goods into the salon and let my girls take their pick.  Every item found a new home and for that I am pleased.  Now I may new a few new items of clothing...

Stats:
Daily Points - 17
Extra - 3
Bonus - 2

Days left to go: 358

Kiva

This is an update on your loan to Chhneang in Cambodia. Thanks to you and 2 other Kiva Lenders, the $200.00 loan request in Cambodia has been 100% funded. This loan will be used for the purpose of: to buy rice for her daily food for the entire year Over the 14 months of this loan, Kiva's Field Partner in Cambodia, Hattha Kaksekar Limited (HKL), a partner of Save the Children, will be collecting repayments from this entrepreneur and posting progress updates on the Kiva website. Thanks for lending to the world's working poor on Kiva! Best Wishes, Kiva Staff

progress.

There is much going on in the Curet household and I am trying to keep it all straight and fit it all in.  Christmas vacation ends tomorrow morning for the kids and I hope, hope, hope I will find myself with much more time on my hands.  The snow is finally falling and my hermit instincts are kicking in, so I believe this may be so.  I do not like to travel in the winter.  I burrow like a bunny and only leave the comfort of my surroundings when we are close to starvation.  This is a good thing this year as I have a great abundance of new projects in the works that I plan on nurturing and hope to see them grow.

This blog is one of those projects.  I have, many times in the past, attempted to keep a blog and miserably failed.  Too much pressure I suppose.  There are many things from my not so distant past that kept me from reaching my potential.  I often times would sabotage myself and hurt my chances in the process.  I know this and it saddens me for that girl.  The girl I used to be.  That girl would never do anything for herself let alone a perfect stranger.  That girl was to busy being self absorbed with self hate and external loathing of others to contemplate the good for more than a moment.  That girl has vanished.  But where did she go?  I am happy of her disappearance, but I do wonder where she wandered off to?  My desire is strong to continue posting to this site.  It feels important.  I am beyond tired at the moment after a very long working day, but here I am.  There is motivation beyond me.  I am grateful.

As for this girl, I did in fact do a good deed yesterday.  T-roy and I signed up to help a dude out in Peru with a loan and this morning I got this lovely email:

This is an update on your loan to Eugenio in Peru. Thanks to you and 3 other Kiva Lenders, the $375.00 loan request in Peru has been 100% funded. This loan will be used for the purpose of: to purchase plantain offshoots and coffee plants. Over the 8 months of this loan, Kiva's Field Partner in Peru, Microfinanzas Prisma, will be collecting repayments from this entrepreneur and posting progress updates on the Kiva website. Thanks for lending to the world's working poor on Kiva! Best Wishes, Kiva Staff

Doesn't he look so nice?  I am happy we were able to help him out a bit.  It was so fun that we are going to do a few more loans with Kiva.  You should check them out too.  You can help secure a loan for a person wishing to expand their business in a third world country for as little as $25.  You then get monthly updates on their progress and see if they repay it etcetera.  If they do, you can then reinvest it into another person, donate it to Kiva or cash it out.  It is pretty neat if you are able to pay off the end of the loan or one in it's entirety.  I will post another smiling face tomorrow.

I have a little extra to report today as well.  It was unintentional, but as I want to track my progress as a human being, I feel it is worth noting.  In addition to doing hair, I am an artist.  5 days a week I work from home producing what I love.  I left my full time employment to pursue my passion and it is paying off.  I am quickly becoming successful and I feel blessed.  One of the ways I make income and showcase my art is by running an Etsy shop.  I love my little shop and am proud of what I produce.  There are not many other artists out there that do what I do.  I love that.  Until recently, I wanted that protected.  People would ask me about my process and technique - I would become suspicious and selfishly hoard my knowledge.  I want to be special.  I want to be unique.  I would not share and I am sure my vagueness was off putting. Once again, I cannot put my finger on the exact day or the exact time, but somewhere deep inside me a switch was flipped.  My need to share was strong.  I quiet the voice who speaks against the light.  I answer questions asked by friends, I tentatively agree to teach my skills at some future date to a few who ask.  Today a message was sent to me by a stranger.  A stranger whom upon a little investigating is another quilling Etsy seller.  A beginner to be sure but competition nonetheless.  Plain out she asks me how I do what I do.  Specifics as to how it is done.  That girl I spoke of before would not have answered. Maybe perhaps would have sent back a snarky retort.  Why would I help someone who could potentially lure customers away from me in the future?  An inner voice speaks to me.... Because.  There is more than enough to go around.  Share what you love.  Make room for more to come your way.  This voice is lovely and warms my limbs.  She is easy to listen to and becoming easier every day to hear.  So I did.  I wrote of my details.  More than she asked.  I gave links and offers of future help if needed.  I felt like a grown up.  I felt a little whole.

Stats:
Daily Points - 14
Extra - 3
Bonus - 2
Days left to go: 361

Resolutions a plenty.

Happiest of Happy New Year's to you my friend.  I love this time of year because it feels like everyone is thinking.  For a few days, people stop going through the motions and pause.  New Years resolutions require inner dialect, analyzing your past 365 days and contemplating your hopes for the future.  It is beautiful.  It is hopeful.  I usually do not make a resolution and choose to do my life pondering on or around my birthday, but last year I made an exception.  Last year's resolution was simple in statement, but more complex in action.  Goal for 2011:  To suck less.  For me this fit.  2010 was not the greatest of my years and I had many mistakes to make up for.  There was no aspect of my life that went untouched  and there was no part of my life that I wished to remain untouched by my resolution.  2011 was absolutely a less sucky year all the way around.  Many great things happened and I absolutely sucked at least a little less.  No, I am going to stand up proud and state loudly that I sucked A Lot less this year.  I think I stuck to my promises this year and I am proud of who I am today.  So, it is once again a new year.  A new promise is to be made and put out into the universe.  As I stated before, I do my inner turmoil thing on my birthday which was in November, so a more blanketed approach seems to work well for me on New Year's.  This year I want to care more.  I want to care more about every aspect of my life.  I want to care more for people, I want to care more about people, I want to care more about my jobs and family.  I want to care more for my passions.  I am sure you get the picture.

It has been a little busy around these parts and I have not had the chance to post my acts for the last three days.  Here is a simple listing, but I may need to go into more depth with a couple of these next week.  (I am super grateful to have this time to share with my kids while they are out on winter break, buuuutttt... I am also super grateful they will be heading back to school on Wednesday so I can get some things done.)

Thursday:  I gave a lovely but misguided woman a much needed haircut.  Okay, it was my Mom.  Believe it or not however I have never given the poor lady a free haircut before.  She looked good and felt better I think.  I should do that more often.

Friday:  We adopted a soldier!  I will expand on this in another post, but we just got her information and gathered up a large box full of goodies and sent them off to Afghanistan.  I filled it with candy and crap and some trashy American mags.  Later the same day I got an email from her that she is really into health and fitness.  Ooops.
*Extra - I took two of my favorite books and left them along with a note in front of our local bookstore for someone else to grab.
*Bonus X 2 - Each of my kids did a give also.  We went to the local bookstore where they spent some time searching and seeking out the perfect book for the kid in their classes that they get along least with and have had some issues with.  The plan is to wrap it up and include a note telling the child why they thought it would be enjoyed by them and also a few things that my children really like about that person.  We are hoping for change in those relationships.  They both used their own money to fund their gives.

Saturday: Colored a co-worker's hair.  Usually we exchange services, but I never collect.  I almost never get anything done at the salon which is kind of stupid since it is one of the perks, but I just cannot stand to sit there.

Tonight's I will tell you in advance since I will probably not have a chance to get back on here today.  It's lobster.  Each New Year's Day we have a tradition of buying live lobsters for each of our four family members and cooking them up for a festive dinner.  This year we invited my brother and his wife over to join us.  We have never done that before.  I placed an order for one extra lobster (my sister-in-law won't eat one so we will have to cook her a ribeye instead).  Troy and I have been stingy in the past in regards to sharing our family time.  We really enjoy it when it is just us four.  It is time to be giving of ourselves as well as our money though.  We shall see how this goes.

Stats:
Daily Points - 12
Extra - 2
Bonus - 2