Friday, January 6, 2012

calm

I feel a sense of calm that I have never felt before.  Perhaps calm is an improper word.  Peace is better.  I cannot properly explain it.  It is not a relaxed feeling - for I am fully alert with heightened senses.  I just have this inner knowing that everything is going to be okay.  Better than okay.  It is strange to me that I feel this way since my day began in a hospital.

Well, not began, but I was there soon enough.  This morning my mom had her hip replaced.  She is 54.

I had been planning to head to the hospital at some point today all week long.  The thought of my mom needing to be there for any reason put a pit in my stomach.  I had been pushing it from my mind, but all of a sudden, *poof* it was here.  She found out yesterday that the operation would begin at 9:30.  I put the kids on the bus at 8:30 and the hospital is a good distance away, so I told my beautiful mother that I would see her as soon as she woke up.

This morning, as I do every morning, I woke up at 6 and had coffee with my husband.  We shared a meeting of the minds and enjoyed our french pressed brew.  At seven I began the kid's breakfast of fried potatoes and eggs sunny side up.  I woke my babies @ 7:30 and began to curl my hair and apply makeup.  I got dressed and made lunches.  Upon further review, I decided to drive the kids into school instead of riding the bus - today was the day they were planning on delivering the books to the kids in class.  Off we went.  I walked them inside.  I had nice leisurely chats with both of my children's teachers.  I loved on my kids.  I began my journey across town.  I talked to myself.  I prayed for good health.  I thought positive thoughts.  I stopped at the local grocery store.  Today my mom deserves kindness.  I walked the isles with her in mind and chose her gifts wisely, deliberately.  I chose the biggest bouquet I could find.  I finished the last leg of my journey.  I parked in the furthest spot from the hospital.  It is a relatively warm day for January and I could use the exercise.  I smiled at every person who passed me.  I said good morning.  I found the surgical waiting room, a table with chairs and sat down.  A friendly lady waved me over.  I gave her my info and she then gave me a gift...  she rushed me back to see my mom.  She was still waiting in pre-op and I was on a list.  This was unexpected.  I did not even know this was an option.  I kissed my mom.  I looked her in the eyes and told her I loved her.  It was a blessing and I am grateful for that moment.

After she was taken in, my step-father and I spent a good three hours together in the waiting room.  I can not remember a time in which we have ever spent that much time together one on one.  It was good.  I am happy we were there for each other and able to occupy the time.  I thought good thoughts.  I believed the surgery would go well.  I knew she would be fine.  And she was.

She is resting now.  Soon she will be standing on her new hip.  I am told she will feel tall.  I hope she will feel strong.  Soon she will walk and I cannot wait to see her dance.  She used to love to dance (however dorkily) before all the pain came.  I wish her no pain.  Today is for her.  I am thankful for her.

As for the gives I participated in earlier this week, I did another loan to Kiva on both Tuesday and Wednesday.  I just love the idea of that organization.  I wish it had a bigger presence in the States.  The banks may not believe in our people, but I do.  And bet there are others who do too.  The third loan we made was to an American.  There were only a total of four to choose from.  I hope that section grows with time.

Yesterday I contemplated my body.  In less than a year I have lost about 65 - 70 pounds without much effort.  I can someday go into this more specifically if there is any interest, but for now that statement can stand alone.  From the start I had the notion to rid myself of clothing that was far too big for my shrinking frame.  I would donate a piece here or there but still hold on to anything remotely okay looking.  Who wants to buy new clothes all of the time when you know that you are not even going to be able to fit in them in a couple of months?  However, during my body contemplation I had a realization.  If I had even one item of clothing that was made for someone bigger than I, I was allowing the possibility that I may someday be that size again.  If the clothing does not exist, failure is no longer an option.  Only success and the tinier clothes that hang in my closet.  This was a new thought and I quickly rummaged through my stash.  While I was at it, I may as well give away any shoes that I am entirely not in love with or that do not fit or feel right.  I am done with the idea that a sale makes a good outfit.  I will no longer pay attention to such things.  I want to wear what I love and feel loved by what I wear.  Period.  I found many, many things that were ready for a new home.  Items that fit me yesterday but not today? Gone.  It is the new rule in my life.  No more waiting.  If it is too big one day, it will be too big everyday in my future.  I hauled my goods into the salon and let my girls take their pick.  Every item found a new home and for that I am pleased.  Now I may new a few new items of clothing...



Stats:
Daily Points - 17
Extra - 3
Bonus - 2
Days left to go: 358