Forgive the woman who killed my father.

Yes, you read the title right and that is what I want to talk about today.  This has been a topic and thought that has weighing quite heavily on my mind as of late and I need to do something about it.  Well, the title may be a little misleading - I have already forgiven the woman.  In my heart of hearts I have truly forgave her.  I could sit down with her and share a meal.  It is how I feel.  There is more to ponder here however and that is why I am here.  But first, a little background...

2 1/2 years ago my father was killed.  He was on a motorcycle when he died, but his bike was not the cause.  A 28 year old woman was.  I am not going to post her name here as I am not trying to bring her harm in any way.  I only wish to tell my story and seek some guidance.  If not from you, often times I feel a knowing sense of what to do after writing out my tales.  My dad was on his way to the mall when his side was struck by a rolling vehicle.  His bike exploded which caused him to fly over the guardrail of the overpass he was on.  60 feet over, 30 feet down.  It was 45 minutes before anyone could reach him.  It didn't matter though.  He was already gone.  What happened?  What went wrong?  Well, that is somewhat of a mystery.  Here is what I do know as a fact.  It is a fact that this accident was caught on tape in it's entirety.  It is a fact that my father's death was played over and over on national news.  It is a fact my dad's girlfriend was riding in her car behind him at the time of the accident and had to witness the entire thing.  It is a fact that one woman is responsible for his premature death and a lot of pain.  The following is not fact.  It is true from court testimony, but I will not claim it to be fact.  This woman was fighting with her husband all day.  The fight continued on into the afternoon and in the car while driving.  The husband did something (this is where it gets murky.  Many different versions were relayed by both husband and wife).  It was said that he reached for the wheel, it was said that he grabbed at her, it was said that he merely reached for the radio.  Whatever the action was, this woman yanked the wheel.  Upon doing so she hit a SUV.  This scared her and she over compensated by turning the wheel in the opposite direction.  The car began to roll.  I have already told you the rest.

My father was 54 when he died.  It is funny because I always underestimate the age of my mother now.  They were divorced for many years before his death, but still I remembered their ages in relation to each other.  My dad was 3 years older.  My mom is getting older, but I always mistake that she is 51.  He never gets any older.  He was too young to go.  I miss him.  My daughter misses him.  My son doesn't really remember him.  That makes me sad.

The woman who hit him was charged with homicide.  A hefty charge, but apparently the state of Wisconsin does not have manslaughter.  The case dragged on and on for a long time.  The trial was finally held last May.  She was let off.  There are a lot of details that I could go into here, but I do not see the point at the moment.  There was a lot of anger.  A lot of hurt.

There came a moment where I had to stop being angry.  It was doing me no good.  This woman could not feel my pain and hate.  The only person it was effecting was me.  I had to let it go.  I had to move on and forgive.  And so I did.  It was a slow process.  I worked on it and then one day I woke up and realized that I do not hate her.  I realized that I want good things for her and her children.  I wish her peace.  This is where I stumbled on to my current problem.

There are many mistakes in my past in which I am still working on forgiving myself for.  I am not the perfect mother, perfect wife, perfect friend.  I have done things that haunt me at times.  I have never killed anyone.  How does doing something like that effect your day to day life?  How do you go to work each day?  How do you pursue your dreams?  Is there any sleep with that fogging your mind?  I am glad that I do not know.

I have thought, on more than one occasion about the possibility of sending this woman a letter.  This woman saw my family and I in court.  She saw our pain first hand.  If there is any good in her being, she must have felt something.  I would assume that she believes us to hate her.  She would have been right at the time.  She may still be right in regards to other members of my family.  She is no longer right about me. If I were to tell her that, would it improve her life?  Would my forgiveness lessen her burden?  I don't know.  Am I contemplating this option for altruistic reasons?  I think so, but again, I am unsure.

I need help in deciding what to do.  A client of mine told me about a woman in my area who claims to be a 'real deal' medium.  I am trying to get a reading done with her to find out what my dad might think about this entire thing - seeing he is the one person who would have an answer and the only I am unable to ask.  I have had some intense experiences with him visiting my dreams and I am probably more open to the possibility of finding what I seek through this kind of help.  The medium has proven to be quite difficult to get in touch with however.  Maybe, since I am asking, the answer may come from one of you.  Any idea?

Stats:
Daily Points - 21*
Extra - 3
Bonus - 3

Days left to go: 354

*Today I volunteered in my son's classroom for a couple of hours.  I also attended a beauty pageant orientation for my daughter but that's a whole other post.  I cannot think too much about it as it makes me want to die.