shmud.

The first day of the Master Cleanse was a little more unpleasant than I had imagined. And what I had imagined was pretty horrific to begin with. The day began with 32 ounces of water and two teaspoons of sea salt. It was like forcing yourself to eat ocean. I was pretty sure that I was going to be unable to keep it down. After the nausea passed, it was pretty smooth sailing for the next few hours. I made the lemon tincture and was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't absolutely terrifying although pretty damn spicy due to the cayenne pepper. I have a pretty high tolerance for hot too, but this drink kicked my ass. Although to be quite honest, my measurements could be quite off the mark for what the recipe actually calls for. Each drink calls for 1/10 teaspoon of cayenne pepper. What the hell is that? Who has that small of a measuring spoon? I just kind of threw some in there and hoped for the best. Next time I will have to ask Marnie if I can borrow Barbie's kitchen set. The kids and I had a park play-date with our Mother's & More group and I brought my 'juice' along. I really felt no hunger, but somewhere between running after Ethan so he didn't get run down by the black impala and running after Ethan so he wouldn't fling himself from the top of the twister slide, I was hit by a monster migraine. I haven't felt that kind of pain since pregnant with Marnie. Back in those days I was plagued with the brain splitting terrors almost every day. At least then I could take Tylenol - which obviously did no actual good as it is a pointless excuse for a pain killer, but did at least provide the benefit of acting like a placebo to my easily persuaded mind. While on this fast, you are to take no medicine nor vitamin of any kind, so basically I was screwed. I made through the park excursion, gritting my teeth and wanting to rip the eyeballs from my sockets. Finally it ended and I fled home. Once there, Troy smugly informed me that it must be the lack of caffeine. For weeks prior to starting this fast, I have been attempting (pleading really) to get Troy to join me. He actually wanted - if he could be allowed to drink his pot of coffee a day. To me that was against the point of the entire detox. I too drink coffee and diet coke and I was not going to let that stop me. What a freaking baby. Cold turkey is the way to go in by book, so that's the way I went. And it went not well obviously. I was splayed out, face down, on the couch for the remainder of the afternoon in too much pain to cry. Finally I had to pull myself together in order to accompany Marnie to her Preschool orientation. I cannot even tell you much of went on there. I know that there was something with paste and Marnie throwing a fit because it required her to dirty her fingers, but I was pretty much blacked out at that point from excruciating pain. Good thing I was randomly pointing my camera places and clicking the button. I managed to capture snippets of what was a banner day in the world of Marnie. At some point in the evening Troy mentioned that he indeed would like to do the cleanse with me if I would only allow him a couple of days to gradually wean himself from the coffee. Did this mean that I could take drugs to rid myself of the internal hell fire that was set ablaze inside my skull? Yes. There was a pause, oh so brief, where I debated whether I should agree to this plan, for it meant that I also agreed with the fact that I am caffeine's bitch and even worse, that Troy was right. Within a mere fraction of a second, Marnie was ripped from her pint size student chair and I was running with her down the wooded path to our car. Her cries didn't even deter me. It was only orientation after all. Within an hour of returning home and taking some Motrin (an actual drug that works) I began to feel human again. And like a bad mom, but I promised that tomorrow she could don her pouffiest dress in which would provide her with hours of twirling joy. All was forgiven.

Today was smoother. Although not on the fast, I am continuing to not consume an ounce of caffeine in preparation for the restart which has been scheduled for this coming Monday. No headaches either which is rather promising Troy is doing better than expected. He has only consumed one and a half cups of coffee (so he says) today and is not nearly as angry as I assumed he would be. I had suspected that these four days of withdraw for him would be much like the period of time in the morning between waking and that first sip of muddy bliss. No one wants to be near the man at that time. Just ask Marnie, her lip will quiver as her eyes dart looking for the nearest corner in which to hide. We'll see how he does once he's off the bean completely.